Polarity Management: Transforming Arguments into Generative Conversations

In so many of our more heated arguments or full on conflicts we feel like we are repeating a pattern over and over again and these experiences truly dilute and weaken our connections.

Do any of these sound familiar to you?

“I am so tired of fighting about everything.”  

“I feel so frustrated, unseen and invisible in my relationship with my partner.” 

“Every time I ask for them to decide, commit or help their reaction is “later” and usually it is coupled with an annoyed dismissive glance”.  

“I am stuck in the engine room of the family so I feel like nothing will move forward unless I repeatedly raise the topic, and then I am tagged as the ‘nagging’ partner.”

What if what really needs to happen is to frame and organize the way we speak, make a request and express our needs in a new way? 

For most of us conflict is managed is one of three ways: we avoid it, we go at it head to head, or one of of us goes after the other while the other is trying to get away from us, shuts down or refuses to engage. 

So first, just consider for a moment not so much what the reason for the conflict is,  but the way you argue or fight. This is no doubt the first step in moving beyond this loop. Yes, the way we fight is a thing and most likely repeats itself. So where do you think you fall most of the time?

I recently came across Barry Johnson’s leveraging polarities and got very inspired by the idea that the key to shifting from dead end frustrating and unproductive conflicts lies in the form or structure of our conflict or polarity rather than the theme or issue that is showing up.

His tool is designed to address the challenges of managing polarities, which are recurring conflicts or tensions in relationships that often lead to being stuck in a loop. By understanding and effectively managing these polarities, couples can shift their approach to arguments and engage in generative conversations.

A common polarity emerges between one partner's need for timely decisions, commitments, and assistance, and the other partner's tendency to postpone or dismiss these requests. This polarity creates a recurring pattern of frustration and unmet expectations.

In this case the polarity is on the one hand the need for timely action and on the other the inclination to delay.

Understand the positive aspects: Each pole of the polarity holds positive attributes or benefits. The partner who tends to delay decisions may value thoroughness, reflection, or avoiding hasty choices. The other partner who seeks prompt action may value efficiency, progress, or a sense of accomplishment.

Avoid "either/or" thinking: Instead of viewing the situation as an either/or choice, the couple can recognize the value in both poles and acknowledge that both perspectives have their merits.

Find the balance: Rather than trying to eliminate one pole in favor of the other, the couple can strive for a dynamic balance that integrates the strengths of both perspectives. This involves identifying when to emphasize one pole over the other and finding creative solutions that honor both needs.

This process can lead the couple to engage in a generative conversation using polarity management. They can discuss how the partner's inclination to delay decisions might be serving them positively in some situations, such as allowing for more thoughtful choices or preventing impulsive actions. On the other hand, the partner who seeks timely action can express their needs for efficiency, progress, and the impact of delayed decisions.

Through open dialogue and mutual understanding, the couple can explore ways to integrate both perspectives. They may discover that some decisions require immediate attention, while others can benefit from a more deliberate approach. By acknowledging the positive aspects of each pole and finding a balance, the couple can move beyond the “stuckness” or loop and develop a more constructive way of addressing their needs.

Overall, Barry Johnson's polarity management tool helps transform arguments by shifting from a win/lose mentality to an approach that embraces the interplay of seemingly opposing perspectives, leading to greater harmony and effectiveness in their relationship.

When we recognize that we can transcend our own limited perspectives and genuinely consider the value in opposing views, we open ourselves up to growth and transformation. Instead of clinging to our singular version of what is true or valid, let's practice using "AND" instead of "BUT" when raising issues and making positive bids instead of negative ones. This expansion of possibilities fosters brand new exchanges and ultimately enhances our relationships, allowing us to become so much more than we could have imagined.

To schedule a free introduction session please email me at Tali.hygieia@gmail.com